The middle school-aged boys had been at the amusement park
all day long. They rode rides, ate corndogs, and had a grand old time. Josh,
the older boy, took great care of his little brother Joe. Joe, in return,
looked up to Josh a lot. Their family had come here with their neighbors, the
Jones family. Josh had his eyes set on the eldest Jones girl. She was a year
younger, but she was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. She had blonde hair, blue
eyes, tan skin, and a bright, natural smile. Josh was a little dorky, but Tessa
Jones liked that about him.
When Josh and Joe went to ride the fastest roller coaster,
Tessa opted out and went to get another corn-dog.
That was more than an hour ago, and now she wasn’t answering
her phone.
Josh looked and looked and looked, but he couldn’t seem to
find her anywhere. She wasn’t at the concession stand, she wasn’t on any of the
rides, and she wasn’t at the pool. Josh was scared to tell Mr. Jones that he
had lost his daughter.
Josh sat with Joe and pondered on what their next move
should be. As they talked, an older high school boy came and sat at their
picnic table. He looked so cool. The older boys looked up at him with
admiration. They admired his football jersey, his kindness, and even the tattoo
of the vulture with “12.24.09” tattooed underneath it.
“What’s the matter?” the older boy asked. “I could tell that
you guys were upset about something.”
“It…It’s nothing,” said Josh, who was interrupted by Joe.
“We can’t find Josh’s one true love!!”
“What does she look like?”
Josh’s eyes glossed over, as if in a dreamlike state, and
looked into the distance. “She’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. She’s
extremely cute. Some people say she’s too young for me – but I don’t think one
grade is that much.”
The older boy chuckled, and asked, “Does she happen to have
blonde hair?”
“…yes,” replied Josh slowly.
“Follow me.”
The two boys followed Josh into the nurse’s office. The
older boy opened the door, and there was Tessa sitting on top of one of the
tables. She had a splinter, and being ever so chatty, started enjoying the
conversation with the nurses.
Josh had never been more relieved.
Image Information:
Roller Coaster
Source: London PS
Author’s Note:
I took this story from Buck’s Ramayana. I liked the part where the vulture landed and ended up
helping Rama and the gang look for Sita, so that’s where the story came from.
Bibliography:
Buck, William. Ramayana:. Berkeley: U of California, 1976. Print.
Skler, I think this is an interesting take on the original story. I like that you modernized the story and brought in the older football player in an effort to represent Sampati. You also did a great job with your use of dialogue, this is something I always avoid in my stories because I am not overly comfortable using it. You also did a great job at writing about a topic everyone can relate to; we have all had that crush on the family friends daughter or at least some situation like it. Overall, great job, keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment!
DeleteHi Skylar,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good grasp of dialogue between characters, which really helped the flow of the story overall. I think it would have helped me personally if you had included some casting / roles in the author's note that better explained each character's relation to one from the Ramayana. Your final sentence, Josh's relief, was a perfect way to sum up your story
Thanks for the comment! I love dialogue - I think it makes a story come to life.
DeleteI liked reading your post because I just recently went to the Oklahoma State Fair, so it brought back memories and helped bring your story to life. It's interesting how you portrayed the two characters from different families as Rama and Sita. It also pays homage to Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet in that way. However, I do wish there was more elaboration and exploration in the author's note.
ReplyDeleteHi Skyler, I really like the retelling of the story. It is interesting to see how you bring the story of the vulture into the present. I had not thought of making the vulture into a tougher looking human, making the vulture aspect of the tale present only in the tattoo that he has. The story is well written, having both unique aspects as well as containing aspects from the original story. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks Elizabeth! I appreciate your words!
DeleteI love how you gave the guy the tattoo of the vulture. It really made the story great for me because of how it tied to the original so well. The first paragraph was too long, though. It could have easily been broken up into smaller paragraphs, so I’d think about doing that if you edit this story sometime. I really liked it.
ReplyDelete